Category Archives: humor

Chakras and joggling

One of the keys to joggling is to access more of your vital life force, or “prana”. Your chakras are centers of vital life energy, sort of like batteries, and accessing the trapped quantum energy from them can strongly influence how well you perform.

How can we access this energy? By opening up an extra chakra and the infinite wisdom they contain. Most of us have one or more of them closed. But by opening up an extra chakra, you will not only be able to joggle, but will be able to do so for miles and miles in a powerful quantum chakra state. Remember that all energy is infinite wisdom transformed through self-love.

To open up an extra chakra, you must:

1) Stop eating all garlic and onions. These foods divert prana away from the arms and legs and toward the stomach, and will make it difficult to open up the chakras that will allow you to joggle, besides bad breath interfering with the desired quantum state. In scientific terms, halitosis interferes with quantum superposition. Eating garlic can also interfere with your dating life, unless you are dating an Italian, but this is a whole other issue.

2) Stand upside down on your hands or hang upside down for 15 minutes a day. This will draw blood to the head and upper body and help to force open the extra chakra you need to be able to joggle. This will allow your wisdom to be liberated.

3) Punch a man with red hair in the face. The red hair must be natural, and he must be at least 5’6″. You must punch him hard. You don’t have to fight him, you can run away very fast afterwards. The very masculine, very hostile energy coming from the angry redhead will help to completely open the closed chakra. If he punches back, it still counts. Remember that chakras are like wheels, and this act will cause the wheels to turn as quickly as possible, helping you toward advanced quantum phasing.

Only by doing these 3 things will you be able to joggle. If you do not go through with them, you will never be able to joggle.

The above is a satire.

Weirdest joggling experiences of 2012

One of the best things about joggling is all the weird things that happen to you while you joggle, largely due to all the bizarre things people say to you as you pass by. It really is an exercise journey into the Bizarro World.

While most people who say anything say “that’s so cool!” or “that’s amazing!”, there’s a good number of jokers and weirdos out there who can’t resist making sarcastic comments. I’ve even received a few threats(“who the %$#^ you think you are!!”, “get the $%^& outa here!” type of threats) from some gang-banger types, but that was back when I would foolishly joggle through these run-down, crime-ridden areas.

Anyhow, among the more amusing remarks from last year were from this old guy saying “you can only juggle 3? just 3? come on!”. I did manage to respond that I was working on 4, and asked if that was good enough, to which I think he said “great”(I was going too fast to say much of anything).

I’ve also received a bunch of “I wish I could do that”, as well as a few “I wish I was you!”. I often just respond, “thank you!” or “you can do it too, it just takes practice”.

By far the most bizarre was a few months ago when I had to slow down at this busy intersection, and this young woman I had never seen before comes up to me and tells me “I love you, I really really do”. I didn’t say anything because this was so totally unexpected, and I was trying to catch my breath and darted off as soon as I was able to cross the street. And she started shouting at me again, “I really do!”. Of course I don’t believe she does and this may be her own weird way of expressing admiration.

A few people around here really seem to get it. If I am going slow enough or taking a break, some people will praise me(I’ll tell them I don’t deserve the praise) and start a conversation about how juggling is good for the brain so juggling while running is such a great exercise. I will usually try to encourage them to do it too, but they will say it is impossible for them. Some claim it is impossible for them to juggle even while standing still. But it is just a matter of practice I will say, before parting ways.

Oh how could I forget the man who asked me as I joggled by – “can you chew gum while doing that?”.

Which superhero would make the best joggler?

I often ask myself: Which superhero would make the best joggler? It is difficult to answer, since no superhero has ever been known to joggle. I will try my best to answer based on what is currently known about 4 of the most famous superheroes:

1) Superman – The most powerful and god-like of superheroes. Can fly and also run very fast. Loves wearing tights. Has great coordination and is incredibly strong. Has X-ray vision and is bullet-proof and largely fire proof. Has an on/off relationship with Lois Lane. Is an alien from another planet. Can be greatly weakened if exposed to a metal called kryptonite. I believe he could easily joggle 3 balls for possibly thousands of miles without dropping any balls so long as he is not exposed to kryptonite along the way. Come to think of it, could likely joggle 5, 7, or even 9 balls for many miles without dropping. And the balls could weigh 1,000 lbs each. His alter ego, newspaper reporter Clark Kent wouldn’t want to joggle to avoid attracting attention.
2) Spiderman – Can climb almost anything fast and is extremely agile and flexible. Can shoot spiderwebs to help him climb, swing or to trap his enemies. Also loves wearing tights. Is super-strong, but not as strong as Superman and can’t fly either. Got his superpowers by getting bitten by a radioactive spider. Could likely joggle almost as well as
Superman, but for a much shorter length of time. Doesn’t seem to have Superman’s endurance or strength, but joggling 5 or 7 balls could come easy with some practice, though not with heavy balls. Secret identity is Peter Parker.
3) Iron Man – Has no innate superpowers. He is a mere mortal named Tony Stark, a billionaire playboy, and genius technologist. He only has super powers when he wears his bullet-proof metal-suit he built that makes him almost as powerful as Superman, allowing him to fly great distances and to have super-strength. The suit is also equipped with a super-computer(probably runs on Linux), and various weapons. Iron Man could likely joggle well in his suit, with the assistance of his artificial intelligence super-computer helping him do the calculations(his main limitation would be the suit running out of power or becoming damaged or an attractive woman distracting him). Tony Stark without the Iron Man suit could probably joggle 3 balls for a few miles, so long as he remains sober and that the balls aren’t heavy.
4) Batman – Secret identity is Bruce Wayne and is similar to Iron Man in that he has no innate superpowers. He is also a billionaire, who has access to all sorts of advanced weapons and toys. His bat-suit is bullet-resistant, and he has limited flying ability in it. Highly intelligent and very skilled in martial arts. Could very likely joggle, since he is very athletic and well-coordinated due to his martial arts training. Could possibly joggle 3 balls through an entire marathon with enough practice. Like a lot of superheroes, loves to wear tights and is sometimes assisted by a younger man called Robin who also wears tights which arouses suspicion.

To me, it is obvious that Superman would make the best joggler. If you disagree, please explain why.

Picture sources: Wikicommons and public domain